Today started off a little rough. When dh left for work, I felt okay at first. Just watched tv and tried to distract myself from the lonely feelings. But that only worked for so long. The house that should have been full of joy and anticipation was instead full of loneliness and sadness. It was also really rainy out, which I typically like, but today made me feel worse. I got a really insensitive email from someone at the hospital, and was annoyed with a friend because of something that probably really isn't a big deal. But everything felt like a big deal.

So I decided I needed to get out of the house. I met a friend for coffee and then she took me out to lunch. It was nice being able to talk with her, and also the sushi was super good. ;)

I went back home and watched a little more tv, but decided I really needed a nap. Dh came home from work and I was still in bed. I planned to get some things tidied up around this house, but that didn't happen. He was okay with it.

We met some friends for dinner at dairy queen (dh worked there growing up and thinks it's just the best! Haha) and we got to share with them about Selah and what happened. It was so nice to be able to talk about it again, and they cried and mourned along with us. Such good friends.

On the way home, we stopped off to see another couple because she had something to give me and we couldn't find a good time. We actually ended up staying until about 11:30. I talked with my friend about her process of ttc (they just started) and some concerns she has. And again got to talk about Selah. :) We talked about how a lot of our friends don't really know what to say or do, since they'd never been in that situation, but how they cared so much. And we know they do. But I told her how important it is for us just to be able to talk about it. And it was good to get it all in the open.

So what started off as a lonely, lousy day turned out to be really wonderful and full of love and encouragement! :)

Back to Reality

I've loved having dh home with me these past few days, but tomorrow he goes back to work. He thought he might wait another day or two, but I think it's best to get back to normal as soon as possible. I don't know how I'll feel being home alone, but I'm planning to just get a few things done around the house and then meeting up with a friend.

Today, we were okay. We went to the park to get some fresh air and a little exercise. We also got on the swing and the merry go round thing. Lots of fun. Haha. :)

We also went to the library to get some dvds to watch for enjoyment, and some books on grieving the loss of a child. It helps to read other stories of people who have lost babies, it makes me feel like I'm not so alone.

Physically...still doing good. Light bleeding, and I think it's getting to be more brown than red! I've had the tiniest bit of cramping, but not too bad. I'm so glad I'm not experiencing what I did when we lost Ronen.

Linea negra still there. Breasts still sore from the milk.

Day by day

Today, I was okay. More than okay, actually. We were greeted with lots of love and support at church. They cried and grieved along with us, as they had shared our joy and excitement for this baby. I felt encouraged and loved. I got to share about my beautiful Selah and that always makes me happy. :) I worry about dh, as he has been a lot quieter and seems to be having a harder time dealing with this. But we are both taking it day by day. It's so important to have each other to lean on, as these situations can really put a strain on a a marriage. Thankfully we are growing closer and realizing even more how much we need each other.

We miss our little ones so much, but we are trying not to let it consume us. We know we aren't the only ones in the world to ever experience this type of heartache, nothing new has befallen us. It's hard, it's unfair...but we haven't been singled out for this affliction. So many families have experienced it , and I hope to use my grief to be a blessing to others. I'm still trying to figure out how that looks practically. Some ideas are:

*Participating in a run/walk to bring awareness to premature babies

*Volunteer at the hospital where I lost my Selah- -they were so encouraging to us

*Organizing a bible study for other grieving women

Those are the biggest things on my mind right now. I'll keep thinking of things though. I need to keep my mind busy, otherwise I focus on my sorrow and get swept up in that. I don't want to be in that dark place again.

My day is ending a lot rougher than it began. I'm okay, but feel more down than before. I fill my day with activities and surround myself with others so that I don't stay sad. But night comes and I slow down and have more time to think...It's hard. Especially lying in bed tossing and turning before I fall asleep. All these thoughts creep in. Could I have done something different? Did I cause my daughter to die? All these shoulda, coulda, wouldas that don't matter now. And probably wouldn't have then. It's the enemy trying to get into my head, sowing seeds of doubt and anger. But I can't let myself go down that path. I don't want to dishonor my God, or the memory of my little girl.

God's word says to worry about nothing and pray about everything, and the peace of God which passes all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

It's so hard to do sometimes, but I truly feel I've been given the peace which passes all understanding, and I don't want to lose it.

Beautiful Selah,
I love you. So much. I wish I could have held you in my arms forever. You are in better hands now, and it would be selfish of me to wish you were back here. I am the one missing out, not you. One day I will be there with you, and we'll all (me, daddy, you and Ronen...and any other babies He blesses us with) worship Jesus together! Won't that be amazing?! :)

Our beautiful Selah Ellease. :) So happy to be her mommy, just wish we'd gotten to keep her.

Baby girl, I love you so much, I hope you know that. You're in better hands now. 

Father God, we will not ever understand why this happened. But we thank You for the time we had with her and pray for peace and comfort.

Goodbye Selah Ellease :(

On Tuesday I felt more pressure, but thought nothing of it. That night before bed I went to the bathroom and felt like something was going to fall out of me! I touched down there and was fairly certain it was my membranes....and it was.


We called the ambulance and they got us to the hospital. I was a wreck. I prayed and prayed and just knew God would save my baby. We got there and I was examined, and the doctor said my membranes filled almost my whole vagina. So they put me upside down in bed, hoping they would slide back in and I could get an emergency stitch. So I lied there all night, unable to sleep just waiting for the morning. I was supposed to be transferred right away to a hospital with a better nicu, but there were no rooms available. So the next hospital on the list accepted us, and that's where I am now. I got here about 2 in the afternoon and the high risk doctor here said there was nothing to do but wait. The membranes were bulging through the pessary and they couldn't do the stitch with that in the way. So wait we did. A few hours later I thought my water broke. Turns out blood was leaking out. They couldn't tell from where, but it just kept coming. They were afraid I'd bleed out so immediately removed the pessary, which burst the membranes. I still held onto hope that baby could make it. But throughout the night they continued to monitor her heartbeat. Until 6am Thursday morning when it wasn't there anymore. My little girl was gone.


They gave me pitocin around 9:30 and contractions got stronger almost immediately. They got so intense. The doctor had initially told me that baby was still so small I might not have contractions and she.could just slide out.  Ummmm what? I knew that wasn't true, as my 13 week loss wasn't that simple. Anyway contractions kept coming until finally I thought I felt like baby was on her way out. I told the doctor and she said.to push. I was scared, and also in pain. I could not push any more! The doctor reached in and helped out, and there was baby.


Our beautiful Selah Ellease. I couldn't believe how big she was, already one pound!  I will post pictures later for those who want to see, I know everyone doesn't.


I am so heartbroken. I can't imagine why God would allow us to go through such pain, twice! But I still trust Him and know this process would be even harder without Him. I should be going home tomorrow morning if my healing continues to go well. I think here at the hospital I've been in a bubble, and I will be so much worse back in the "real world". Baby stuff is all over the house, thankfully as soon as we got home, hubby put it all away in the nursery and shut the door.

21+2

Well I was a nervous wreck all weekend, worrying about where the pessary was holding up. I called my doctor's office and they just got me in at the last appointment of the day. She was very supportive, even though she kept assuring me everything I was feeling was normal. She checked my cervix manually and said it feels good and closed. I wanted to see it on ultrasound, but I guess that's good enough for now. :) I have an appointment in two weeks with my high risk doctor and she 'll do an ultrasound then. My doctor today alsotold me she's seen other women with pessaries go all the way to 40 weeks and beyond! She also said that progesterone along with it helps it with even better. She eased my fears a lot. I also found out that she had her twins at barely 28 weeks! So she knows how stressful pregnancy can be and told me to call whenever I have more questions or concerns or need assurance.

I'm so grateful to God that everything is okay. Just praying this baby holds on and stays in until she's full term and ready to be in our arms! :)

Week 21!

Well I briefly recapped the past few months , and now we're up to date :)

After that 20 week appointment, every day that passes makes me so grateful. And hitting a new week even more so. I've got my eye on week 24 - 20 days to go! I certainly wouldn't want to have the baby that early, but at least there's a chance of survival by that point. 

We have gotten so much support and encouragement through this pregnancy. Our moms and church family especially have helped us a lot. So many women from our church have had losses and can sympathize with what I'm going through.

I spent  The majority of the past few days in bed or lying on the couch. My doctor doesn't think strict bed rest is necessary, just that I should take it easy. But dh and I want to be cautious. It's been hard not doing anything, though, and my body is so sore! Hopefully it's helping baby. I am going to call my doctors office tomorrow to see if I can come in to have my cervix checked again. I don't have an appointment for two more weeks, but that seems like an awful long time to wait, considering how short my cervix was. I hope they see me.

Cervical length checks

 I hit another milestone when I passed 13 weeks, and made it to my 14 week appointment. This one was the first where they really focused on checking my cervix. It was about 4.6 cm. The next appointment was at 17 weeks (actually, I went to the er a few days before this appointment because I couldn't shake the feeling something was wrong. But it was fine). My cervix still measured nice and long. And! We found out we are having a little girl!!!!! So excited. We planned a gender reveal party for our families that following weekend and it was a lot of fun. And made things seem so much more real. We began to get some things for baby girl. Well, we didn't buy them ourselves but friends and families began giving things to us. I also spent some time emptying the room which will become the nursery. We still have to paint and decorate. :)

Then at 20 weeks we had another scan. Baby looked great, measuring even a little bit ahead. The problem came when they checked my cervix. It was down to 3.6 cm and funneling down to less than 1! It was terrifying, it looked like my baby girl was going to come right out. My doctor immediately inserted a pessary, as she doesn't like to do cerclages at this point. She also gave me a prescription for progesterone suppositories.

First trimester

So I thought the journey back to a bfp was going to be the hardest part, but that's when all the worry and anxiety set in. Although my loss was at 13 weeks and not caused by genetic abnormalities or anything that would make me likely to have another loss, I was scared all through the first 13 weeks. I expected to see blood every time I went to the bathroom. Every little cramp had me sure it was over. The days went by so slowly.

I had my first appointment at 6 weeks. Of course there wasn't much to see, but we didn't see our little babe with a strong heartbeat! A sigh of relief. The next few weeks went by uneventfully, and very slowly. We had our next appointment at 10 weeks, and got another ultrasound.

Trying again

My first regular cycle after the miscarriage came on January 29th. Which means my ovulation day was Valentine's Day! :) How fun. Dh and I made a big day of it , well a weekend, really. I was excited to finally be able to try again. The two week wait was brutal....and actually more like a ten day wait. Haha. I was symptom spotting every day and finally one morning when I noticed my breasts were sore, I KNEW I was pregnant. Just knew it! I took a blue dye test that I accidentally bought, and it was faint but pretty sure I saw a line! Two days later I was still sore, so went and bought some frers. Very blatant positive!  :D

My story

My husband and I conceived our first baby in early August 2014.  We were so overjoyed, it was our first cycle trying and we didn't expect it to happen so soon. We immediately told family and friends and started planning for life with this new baby. Our first appointment was at 8 weeks, with a midwife at a local birth center. We saw a little baby with a strong heartbeat. I was hoping there would be two. :) At 9 weeks, I was back at the office for light spotting. Nothing serious, they just told me to rest and take it easy.  About 3 weeks later, I started to feel a lot of pressure in my pelvis. It wasn't painful, just uncomfortable. I asked a lot of ladies and it seemed like just growing pains. In a couple of days the pain was more persistent, but still light. I called my midwife on a Tuesday afternoon, after I'd been having more consistent pain. They told me to take Tylenol and rest. An hour later, I had a GUSH of blood, so immediately went in to be seen. Baby looked great on the ultrasound and my cervix was tight and closed, so I was again told to go home and rest. The rest of the night, the pain got worse. I was in labor and didn't know it. :( The next day, I went for a more diagnostic ultrasound and that's when they saw my cervix was wide open. I was rushed to the er where the doctor told me all I could do was wait. We had been given some hope that we would get an emergency cerclage, but the bags were bulging and it was too late. We just cried. They said I could go home and wait for it to happen, or stay and be monitored. We decided to stay. I didn't know what to expect, so wanted to be with people who did. It took a while to get a room, but as soon as we got up there, I needed to go to the bathroom. I felt a small pop, and knew baby was about to come. I didn't want to believe it. But there he came, right in the toilet. I just stared at him and wanted to get him out, but my nurses rushed me to the bed. They started my iv with pain meds I think, because they also gave me meds to start more contractions to make sure everything came out. They pushed on my stomach a lot, and reached in to get left behind pieces of the placenta. It was such an ordeal and pretty fuzzy now. I just felt lost. After they finally left, dh and I just cried and held each other. We came into the hospital with a baby, but now he was gone. 

The staff was so nice and caring, they let us hold him and take pictures and gave us a little memory box. They had a chaplain pray with us. They did everything they could to make me feel comfortable. One nurse in particular I will always remember. 

When we left the hospital the next day, I was numb. In shock. Everything happened so fast. My baby was gone. At 13 weeks. We took him home and buried him.  

In the coming weeks, I would go through a lot of ups and downs. I was hoping to get pregnant again right away, but the bleeding just wouldn't stop. Two weeks after the miscarriage, I hemorrhaged badly and ended up in the er. I thought I was actually going to die. They couldn't figure out why it happened, maybe leftover placenta. They sent me home once the bleeding stopped. I had small episodes like that on and off for the next month. I got infections. I felt like it would never end. I stayed in bed or on the couch just sleeping or watching sad movies. 

I wanted to feel better but I just couldn't. But eventually, on January 1, 2015 I passed the last bit of...whatever was still in my uterus. It was shocking that after all that time and my hcg had been down to 0 that something like that could still come out. Anyway, 5 days later the bleeding stopped. FINALLY! I could start moving on.

My dear Ronen

This is a post I wrote on another blog a couple of months back:

8 months ago, my heart shattered into 1,000 pieces.
I never knew I could hurt so much and still go on living.
I never dreamed my pregnancy would end that way.
Ronen was our first. We prayed and planned for him. I conceived on our first cycle trying.
Those couple of months were so full of joy and excitement and thinking about who he would become.

Then it all came crashing down. 
There were warning signs, but I didn't know.
If I did, I'm still not sure there could have been anything done to stop it.
How could I see that precious little heart beating, and he was gone within a few hours?
Why couldn't my body keep him in?
He was absolutely perfect, completely healthy.
Why did this happen to us? 
There are plenty of women in this world who have children they don't even want...why was mine taken away?

I will never understand.
I will always love and miss my dear Ronen.
I only carries him with me for a few short weeks, but he touched my life so much.

I would never wish this experience on anyone, but there are things I've learned from it.
I've gained so much more perspective on what matters in life. I sympathize more with others who have been through difficult times. I'm more compassionate and understanding. I'm so grateful to have a hope in Christ , that one day I will be in a place where there isn't any pain or tears .

My dear Ronen,

I love you so much. I should be holding you in my arms right now. I should be with all our family and friend celebrating your birth. You were my firstborn son and I will not let your memory fade. I will carry you in my heart and talk about you as much as o can. I hope to give you lots of brothers and sisters and share with them just how special you were.

To all you mommies of angel babies,

It will get better. You won't "get over it" but you will get through it.

I was in a depression for about 3 months and didn't want to see anyone but my husband. I laid in bed or on the couch and cried. I watched sad movies and cried. I thought I'd never be happy again. I thought I'd never laugh or enjoy life again.

But I do. And you will too.

I hope to use this site to encourage women who have lost a child to miscarriage or stillbirth, and to document my journey to my rainbow babies. :)