Day by day

Today, I was okay. More than okay, actually. We were greeted with lots of love and support at church. They cried and grieved along with us, as they had shared our joy and excitement for this baby. I felt encouraged and loved. I got to share about my beautiful Selah and that always makes me happy. :) I worry about dh, as he has been a lot quieter and seems to be having a harder time dealing with this. But we are both taking it day by day. It's so important to have each other to lean on, as these situations can really put a strain on a a marriage. Thankfully we are growing closer and realizing even more how much we need each other.

We miss our little ones so much, but we are trying not to let it consume us. We know we aren't the only ones in the world to ever experience this type of heartache, nothing new has befallen us. It's hard, it's unfair...but we haven't been singled out for this affliction. So many families have experienced it , and I hope to use my grief to be a blessing to others. I'm still trying to figure out how that looks practically. Some ideas are:

*Participating in a run/walk to bring awareness to premature babies

*Volunteer at the hospital where I lost my Selah- -they were so encouraging to us

*Organizing a bible study for other grieving women

Those are the biggest things on my mind right now. I'll keep thinking of things though. I need to keep my mind busy, otherwise I focus on my sorrow and get swept up in that. I don't want to be in that dark place again.

My day is ending a lot rougher than it began. I'm okay, but feel more down than before. I fill my day with activities and surround myself with others so that I don't stay sad. But night comes and I slow down and have more time to think...It's hard. Especially lying in bed tossing and turning before I fall asleep. All these thoughts creep in. Could I have done something different? Did I cause my daughter to die? All these shoulda, coulda, wouldas that don't matter now. And probably wouldn't have then. It's the enemy trying to get into my head, sowing seeds of doubt and anger. But I can't let myself go down that path. I don't want to dishonor my God, or the memory of my little girl.

God's word says to worry about nothing and pray about everything, and the peace of God which passes all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

It's so hard to do sometimes, but I truly feel I've been given the peace which passes all understanding, and I don't want to lose it.

Beautiful Selah,
I love you. So much. I wish I could have held you in my arms forever. You are in better hands now, and it would be selfish of me to wish you were back here. I am the one missing out, not you. One day I will be there with you, and we'll all (me, daddy, you and Ronen...and any other babies He blesses us with) worship Jesus together! Won't that be amazing?! :)